Shanell Harun, our beloved local fashion designer, is best known for his stunning wedding dresses and collections worn by celebrities and notable figures. His designs are celebrated for their intricate details and exceptional quality. But beyond the glamour and fame, Shanell is a human being just like the rest of us—someone who feels deeply, experiences heartbreak, and carries the weight of grief.

This year, in February, Shanell hit rock bottom. The Queen of his heart—his beloved mother—passed away. When she left, he felt his entire existence collapse. “I felt numb,” he shares.

In this heartfelt interview, Shanell opens up about his journey through profound loss, battling depression, falling into a dark spiral, and slowly pulling himself back before losing everything he had ever fought for.

Tipss: How did you personally cope with your mother’s passing?

Shanell: When I lost my mother, I lost everything. I lost my whole world. It took me a while to accept that she’s no longer with me. As you can see, her photo is still there at the end of the table (points to a framed picture). I want to keep her close—otherwise, I feel like I’ve lost her completely. That’s why I keep the photo near me. I feel like I grieved for too long… until I was diagnosed with depression. The main reason was the loss of my mother. But when I sit and reflect now, I realize I have a new purpose. I’ve adopted my second son—now I have two beautiful boys, and they are my everything. I have to prioritize them.

Tipss: How did losing your mother affect your creativity?

Shanell: Of course, I was lost. To be honest, for some time, I couldn’t work at all. My mother fell ill in early January, and I brought her from Penang to stay with me until she passed in February 2025.

From February to May, I avoided almost all work. I only met clients who had booked earlier, and I told my staff I didn’t want to see anyone. I spent most of my time at home, and only came to the office when it was really necessary.

Eventually, I realized my business was sinking. I had to do something. I forced myself to return to work—but I felt soulless, like a robot. I’d wake up, send my son to school, go to work… but creatively, I was stuck. My creativity was completely blocked.

By July, I slowly started getting back on track. I launched a show, mostly to distract myself. I participated in Kuala Lumpur Men’s Fashion Week with a collection dedicated to my son, Arryan. Then I did Kedah Fashion Week—a tribute to my roots, since my father is from Kedah. From there, I began to feel better. I also started seeking professional help in August, and I’ve been improving ever since.

Tipss: What actually triggered you to take that first step toward healing?

Shanell: (chuckles) It was when I saw my sales report. In June, my sales dropped by 78.2%. That was a wake-up call. I love my business as much as I love my mother. She was my inspiration. I still remember when I first told her, “Mak, Shanell nak sambung fashion,” and the first thing she did was buy me a Singer sewing machine—paid in installments. She was my biggest supporter. That’s why, when I lost her, I felt like I lost my entire world. But then I thought—my mom would be sad knowing my business was falling apart. So I decided to do something. For the business… and for her.

Tipss: You haven’t done a collection inspired by your mother yet, right?

Shanell: Not yet. I still don’t have the courage or strength to sit down and remember every single detail about her. I’m not strong enough. Right now, I only allow myself to remember the surface—the basics.

I don’t want to go back to my childhood memories of her, the tenderness she showed, how much I needed her every time I was sick… I can’t. For now, in my mind, my mother is still here.

Tipss: Why don’t you want to remember those deeper memories?

Shanell: Because I don’t want to hit rock bottom again. I know what that feels like—and it was unbearable.

Tipss: Do you have plans to eventually create a collection inspired by your mom?

Shanell: Of course. InsyaAllah. But not now. Maybe next year?

Tipss: Hypothetically, what elements would you include in that collection?

Shanell: If I do that collection, it would definitely be Muslimah attire. My mother always wore jubah and tudung labuh. I used to ask her, “Why do you always wear black?” and she would say, “Because I don’t want people to take notice of me.”

So, if I design a collection for her, it would be a luxurious Muslimah line. Black and gold—those were her favorite colors. And maybe with a niqab. Quiet, modest, yet elegant. Just like her.

Tipss: Any final words for young, upcoming designers who might face creative blocks, especially after losing someone they love?

Shanell: First and foremost, believe in yourself. If you don’t, no one else will. Second, be patient. I see so many new designers wanting instant fame. That’s not how it works. And third—if you face a creative block, take your time. Don’t force it. Sit back. Let yourself breathe. Grieving is a process. In fact, I think grieving is an art—the art of letting go, the art of remembering. Everyone goes through it differently. But when you find your way back, you’ll create even better things in life.